


Be my reason to stay

by etherealmoonage



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Insomnia, M/M, Pain, Suicidal Thoughts, alternative universe, eating problems
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25729828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etherealmoonage/pseuds/etherealmoonage
Summary: There was something about all of this. The boy was so familiar with this feeling and as much as he hated it, he knew. He knew that he couldn't change it. He knew that he couldn't change himself. Why would he though? Why would he want to be better? He didn't care about himself. He didn't care about the others. So why would he feel the need to make his life better? There was nothing to fight for. And there would probably never be.This is when he heard it. A voice. So distant but still there. It was saying something. No. It was calling for someone.It was calling for him.Sander
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 27
Kudos: 63





	1. The beginning

The clock was ticking. The sound was quiet, almost inaudible but it was slowly but surely making the boy feel like his skull was going to break through his head any moment now. The buzzing was getting more and more painful with every passing second. It was as if the ticking was a remote that triggered something in his head causing the pain to increase with every single sound. Every tic was followed by a beat in his head like his brain was beating now instead of his heart. It was like something was pulling on the strings of his nerves like an instrument. His head felt like a bomb ready to explode anytime soon.

The boy was seated on a chair, his hands gripping the ends of it in order to ground himself but his mind was still somehow in a completely different place. He felt like he was floating. _Underwater_. The feeling was consuming him. It was suffocating. He couldn't breathe anymore. He knew he didn't belong. Not in this room.

_Not in this world._

As his breathing got heavier and the ticking noise got louder the boy held his eyes closed embracing the darkness. It was what he always thought he deserved. _Darkness_. _Emptiness_. Just like the one inside him. A sense of familiarity was evoked in him. He knew this far too well to think that it would be okay in a bit. It would never be okay. At least not for him _._

_He didn't deserve it_

Time passed by but the feeling inside didn't go away. The boy lost his touch with the reality more and more. It was as if he wasn't real. As if nothing was real anymore. The world was gone. _So was he._ He forgot how to breathe, his breath now getting lost. The ticking was gone but the buzzing was still present. As if it was the only thing that made him see he wasn't gone or dead.

_Would it still hurt if he was dead or would he feel nothing at all?_

There was something about all of this. The boy was so familiar with this feeling and as much as he hated it, he knew. He knew that he couldn't change it. He knew that he couldn't change himself. Why would he though? Why would he want to be better? He didn't care about himself. He didn't care about the others. So why would he feel the need to make his life better? There was nothing to fight for. And there would probably never be.

This is when he heard it. A voice. So distant but still there. It was saying something. _No_. It was calling for someone.

_It was calling for him._

**_Sander_ **

****

„Sander, are you even listening to me?"

He opened his eyes slowly adjusting to the light in the room. The walls felt too close in comparison with the never-ending darkness from moments ago. Moments that seemed like ages. It made him feel claustrophobic but he didn't say a word. He couldn't, even if he wanted to. The feeling mixed along with everything else in his head as if it wasn't enough.

He turned his gaze to the woman in front of him sitting on a chair behind her desk. Her hair being pulled up in an eloquent way, her posture perfect and her outfit showing her off as if it could tell how intelligent and powerful she is.

"Sander, I would like you to listen to me, please. This is not a one sided conversation and even less a joke. You should learn to be more focused and stop trying to close yourself in your mind."

The words left her mouth as the boy was trying to focus on what she was saying, completely out of it. It didn't feel right. Nothing did. He wanted to scream but he couldn't. He wanted to stand up but he couldn't. All he could do was sit there not even caring about the person in front of him. His eyes were now looking through her and he wasn't focused anymore,he just wanted this to be over.

"Before you zoned out I asked you a question? I see that you've been struggling with your appearance even more since our last session. Could you tell me why you decided to bleach your hair? And I also asked about the tattoo on your wrist, tell me about it."

_Struggling_.

The word burned his skin. It felt like this was the only thing people saw about him. He was struggling with his appearance, with his uni work. With his life. With his mind. It was as if the word was his second name now.

His gaze shifted to his wrist. The tattoo was prominent on it. An outline of angel wings. That was it. It wasn't even that big. He hadn't even planed it or as a matter of fact thought it through. He just felt like he needed to get it. _As if it was his destiny_. He felt like he never needed to do something as much as he needed to get that tattoo. So he did. And he liked it. The boy didn't even care about what his parents would say. He was a 19 year old and was completely capable of making his own decisions. Same goes for his hair. He just needed a fresh start. Something that made him unique. That was his and completely his.

His gaze shifted a bit higher where his bruises layed. The bruises he so often forgot about. The ones that told so much about not only his past but also his present. _His future._ They defined him. They were a part of his life he could never throw away or get rid of. Sometimes he wanted it. He really wanted to be gone. To get rid of his pain. He knew the only way he could do this. But he never did it. There was always something that just pulled him back. As if the universe was telling him that he should still fight for something. And he really tried to find the thing but he couldn't. So he thought about it again and the same happened again.

_It was a never ending cycle._

"I'm waiting for a response."

The voice of the woman got him out of his head for the second time now. Her voice was starting to annoy him. He knew she didn't care. She was just doing her job. He didn't want to answer but her demanding look was making him feel small and defenseless. So he decided to just say the first thing that came to his mind and it wasn't far from the truth too.

"I just felt like it."

Her expression shifted with the speed of a lightning. The moments ago scary look on her face was replaced by something else that he couldn't quite make up.

"But you need to have a reason you know right. Tell me exactly how you feel."

Her words were getting in his head. **_A reason_**. As if everything had to have a reason. Why could she not accept the fact that he wanted to do something just because. Why did everyone want him to explain himself all the time. Why did everyone try to explain his behavior. If there was a reason for everything what did he do deserve to feel this way? To live this life?

He was getting angrier and angrier now, his blood starting to boil. He could feel the pounding of his heart in his chest. He couldn't do this.

_Not now._

With that he gathered his things as he stood up. He got to the door as fast as he could and didn't even look back as he slammed it while he could still hear the woman behind his back yelling at him.

"Sander, where are you going, this isn't over yet-"

\---

The following week was an emotional roller-coaster for the boy. Him missing his appointment, his parents calling him and asking if he was okay. Him yelling at them that he is not a child anymore and can decide for himself. Them asking him if he’s going to give that annoying woman another chance, him getting angrier about people wanting to control him and tell him how he should feel. Countless of sleepless nights. His emotions being on overdrive.

He thought that if someone touched him he would burn them.

And in the end he was the one that was sad again. Sad because he didn’t want to be like this. Sad because he yelled at his parents. Even because of that damned appointment.

He wanted to do it back then. To end it. But then again there was something that stopped him when he heard the ping noise coming from his phone while it lit up making the whole room bright in comparison to the darkness from seconds ago.

It was a single notification.

And who could have imagined the same notification was going to change his life.

\---

The cold October night was at it’s ease now as it was almost midnight. The cold wind was sweeping through the empty streets of Antwerp dancing around the corners of the city as though it was it’s own dance floor. The quietness of the night was scary but comforting as the only thing that could be heard were the sounds of the wind hitting a window or a door from time to time or maybe a passing car or two.

The boy was out in the streets wandering around searching for the new meeting spot that he saw was arranged for the graffiti night. His old camera was hanging securely on his neck. His big leather jacket around his shoulders that protected him from the cold air. But thing back maybe it wasn’t the leather jacket that was causing him to feel so warm but rather the unexplainable feeling inside of his chest.

The night was promising.

The stars were shining bright in the night sky, the full moon seated on it’s old rocking chair swinging back and forth and watching over the people in the world like it was their caring mother. It was a full miracle that there no clouds blocking this wonderful view. Something about all of this seemed magical to the boy. There was something. A rush. A good feeling.

_Happynes_

_Excitement_

He soon arrived at the place greeting some of the people and getting to work. The smell of the paint was lingering in the thick air and making him light-headed despite the fact that he was wearing a mask. He liked this. The feeling of not being afraid. The feeling of having some place where he couldn’t be judged because of his mind but rather his talent. The only thing they knew about him was that he was good, spectacular even. His signature was highly esteemed and he was one of the most popular here. But also one of the first members of the team. This was his safe place since he was 15 years old. The only place where nothing else than creating art mattered.

Tonight was different though.

Tonight he didn’t feel the need to create but rather to observe. There was something he couldn’t quite make out but it was as if the universe was trying to tell him something. Or show him something.

His senses were on point.

The artist took his camera and started to look for the best angles for his photos. This was more like a hobby for him but he nonetheless enjoyed taking pictures and developing them later. It brought him comfort just like art. _Creative_. That was the word he wanted to be described as.

Nearly an hour passed by as the boy had started to film. But it felt like he couldn’t get something right. As if something was missing. Not in his pictures. But here. **_In reality_**.

He tried again but the feeling inside of his chest that missing feeling was starting to take over. He was desperate. What was it that made him so upset all of the sudden. Why could he not just be happy and not try to worry for a single night. He slowly started to loose control. Camera falling lower in his arms and the energy almost gone. For a moment he gazed through the lens for the last time.

That moment felt like a lifetime.

It was something that took his breath away. Sometimes that made him forget about that feeling inside of his chest. He wasn’t anxious anymore.

Not when he was so mesmerised by the view in front of him.

A boy

_No_

**_An angel_ **

Chocolate brown hair that looked like a cloud, so fluffy on his head. A mask covering the boys little face but at the same time made his eyes pop. A brown jacket around him that hugged him and made him look so tiny in it. The small frame of the boy was illuminated from the moonlight. This was all he needed to see to know that the creature in front of him belonged in a dream. He was magical.

The boy let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. How could a stranger have such a big impact on him.

The only thing he could do at this moment was to take a picture of the angelic creature in front of him. He felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore as feelings were rushing his blood.

After that he left.

The place and the boy were lost in the night as he ran back home.

He couldn’t sleep that night too. But this time it was different. This time he wasn’t tired and didn’t even want to blink because he was too scared that tomorrow he would wake up and forget about it.

That he was going to forget him.

The thoughts rushed through his mind but there were quite focused around something.

Or rather - someone

**_Him_ **


	2. The second time you saved me

There are so many things the boy can't get his head into. It's been like this for a while now but thinking about it, it may have been like this from the start. For instance one of the things he couldn't understand was why him and why now. Why couldn't he be born in another time where his feelings were seen as normal. _Or why couldn't he be born normal_. Why should he feel like this and who had a say in this. What does it even mean to be normal. To just go on with your life and never be scared if you are going to mess up because of the thing in your head that always clicks and says how you should feel each moment even if you don't want that to happen. Like for example when you are just happy about life and you suddenly realise that you do not deserve this. Or when you should be serious or sad about something but your mind decides to just turn your feelings to the complete opposite so you cannot stay in your place overwhelmed with excitement.

_And what for?_

He often sits and wonders what would it feel like to be able to look forward to something and to be able to imagine his future without being scared that he'll be hurt or disappointed when the time comes. He wonders what would it be like to just have the right mindset to even think about the future without just seeing a black pit in front of him. Because when he thinks a little too much he just knows. He feels it in his bones.

_None of this is real_

_Not the people around him_

_Not this world_

_Not even him_

He wonders often about memories too. Everyone explains how they have these vivid memories of their past experiences. The boy always goes along with it hiding his real fear everytime when the topic comes up. Fear that someone will know he is different. Fear that someone will see through him and learn that he has no vivid memories like the others. And even though he does remember things its not the same. He wants to see his memories and not just simply know them. But his mind doesn’t allow him to.

He doesn't understand how the world and life work. And if you aks him he probably wouldn't ever understand it fully. Does he even want to know the secret of life? He isn't sure.

_Would it even matter if knew?_

_Would it be able to change how he feels?_

And if he could, he would change it. He would change the way his thoughts drift from place to place or how his emotions never worked as he wanted them to. He would change the fact that he can't think about a topic too much because when he did he always knew he was wrong about his opinion. He always knew he saw things one-sided and probably would never be able to see the whole picture. He knew there were more possibilities than one and it scared him so much that the feeling overtook him and made it seem like it would consume him, his body starting to shake from his head to his toes. Made him feel alarmed as if a demon was watching him and when he didn't expect, it would eat him alive and make him suffer.

_He would change this too_

There are other things too. For instance why are humans like this. Why live in a world where we fight for power and money when we all could be the same. Would this fight for dominance even matter in the end. _Is there even an end._ Or is this life like a circle and where it ends it just starts all over again. Is this a game and are we trying to get to another level. Does our life even matter in this big universe that we live in. All of this questions were devouring the boy making him feel little and convincing him that he didn't matter. And if in the end he decided to end it all none of it would matter. His parents would probably cry about it for some time and soon it all would end and he would be forgotten. Just like if he would carry on and live a peaceful life then pass away in his death bed leaving his loved ones behind him.

_So why try when in the end the outcome would always be the same?_

Another thing he never understood was love. Why would someone want to invest so much time in love when in the end there would be nothing left of this. There would be nothing to remember his great love story with. He often saw the sign "Beloved and remembered" on the gravestones but he never believed it. Never believed that a love can last forever just like they told in every book and every movie. Because it simply couldn't. That's how humans are built and that's how their brain works.

If you ask him he has never even bothered to love someone. It just always felt too far from him. The attachment to someone and the feeling that he heard them describe as coming home were far too alien for him. And why even bother define himself and what he likes. He hated when people wanted to put him in a chategory. It was pointless. And maybe it was better like this. _Better to stay away_. Of course he has had weird crushes for example on the boy who used to give him pencils in fifth grade or on the girl with the flower crown and yellow dress that lived next door but it was never something serious. Eventually the boy moved out with his parents so he never saw him again. As for the girl, she stopped wearing her flower crown that suited her so well and just grew up and changed. Changed like everyone does.

_But how much can someone really change?_

These were the thoughts that kept the boy up all night, his mind jumping from one to another topic with the speed of lightning.

And tonight was no exception.

\---

As the night passed away the sun crept through the sky, hinting the arrival of the early morning hours. There was no trace of the moon that layed there just moments ago as if it was now hiding from the sun too engaged in their infinite game of hide and seek.

The light shined through the open window in the boys room illuminating the room with its goldenish colour and making it seem like the walls were covered in honey. This was a begging of a new day a new chapter in the boy’s story.

Nonetheless he felt the same like he did the following day and the one before that. He wanted somewhere deep inside his heart for this beginning of the day to be promising to him, hinting to a new adventure but he knew better. He knew that nothing would change. _Just like it never does._ That all of the days were the same for him.

_Unworthy_

That’s how he felt.

_That’s probably how he’ll always feel_

His gaze shifted to the night stand right beside his bed. There was nothing on it except for a picture. And some will think it was a picture of his family or maybe a childhood picture of him. But this photograph was something far more important than that.

_Maybe one of the most important things in his life_

It was the picture he took that night of _that boy_. **_That angelic boy_**. It was his first job the next day to go to the shop he worked in last year and to ask his old friend Senne for a favor. Of course he couldn’t say no. Just like he never could when he asked him about anything. That the boy called charm.

_It was his only good quality either way._

He looked at the picture one more time as if one more glance would help him return to the night. Maybe this time he wouldn’t be this much of a coward and he would go talk to **_him_**. He wondered what it would be like talking to **_him_**. **_His_** voice would probably be sweet like the sweetest chocolate and it would make his heart melt like ice cream in a sunny day.

It has been exactly two weeks since the boy has seen **_the angelic creature_**. Every passing day he wondered if it was all in his imagination. He felt like if he thought about it a little bit more then his brain would explode or that he would eventually forget about **_him_** _._ And sometimes when his mind was focused on his work too much or when he had a stressful day in uni he would forget. But then he returned to his apartment and got straight to his bed, too exhausted from the day and he would see it. The picture lying right beside his bed.

_As if it was the only thing that could ground him now_

_That could show him something was real_

_\---_

The morning was strangely quiet considering the fact that his parents were visiting him and he wasn't alone in his apartment.

He was so used to those kind of little visits from them so much that he did not say anything when he saw them waiting at his door step yesterday without even announcing earlier that they would come. As if they were saying "You have no life or friends whatsoever, so why bother warn you in advance when we can just come and 'surprise' you". _But he knew_. He knew damn well that it wasn't just to surprise him or because they wanted to have a little vacation far from Leuven.

_No, it was more_

They wanted to check up on him. On his life. Wanted to see if he had failed yet. If his mind betrayed him or if he did something stupid. And their smiles and energy were not enough to hide all this from the boy. On the contrary he knew that they were thinking about manipulating him again. To make him come home or to make him agree with them moving to Antwerp. He knew they had contacts and were ready to leave all their past life behind on the second their son told them he needed them to move in with him. They would continue their work here as if it was nothing. Like it was a child's play for them.

_That's how_ _th_ _ey always were_

Having parents who are both lawyers has always been hard for the boy. Constantly hearing them argue, them letting their anger on him as if he was always the reason for their frustration, them having those bad days at work and then coming home and yelling at him for no reason whatsoever. Them having little to no time for their own son because of how hardworking they were.

Although It wasn't always this bad. As an only child the boy got everything he wanted but knew better than to turn into those spoiled rich kids at his school. His parents showed him that money was earned the hard way so he always thanked them for that. He was thankful to have learned something from them, he really was. And when they finally had time for him and they went on short vacations together it was the best time of his life.

When they learned that their boy was having these constant mood swings and inner struggles they first blamed it on puberty.

_All untill that night_

After that his life became constant fights with his parents, failed appointments, loss of friends and so many more things that left a big wound on his heart. He wondered if someday it would turn into just a scar. Something that will remind him about his past when he looked at it but wouldn't be able to scare him as much as it did now.

It was nearly 11am when the boy got out of his room for the first time for the day. It was Saturday so his plan consisted of nothing more than just laying in bed for the whole day and not bothering to do anything more. The burning feeling in his throat told him otherwise, though, so he needed to get up and go get a glass of water from the kitchen to ease the pain.

As he got out of the room a sweet familiar smell filled his nostrils. He knew exactly what this was. Just the same smell from his childhood.

When he reached the kitchen the view that awaited him was different from what he was used to from living alone. His mother was making pancakes a plate full of a already cooked ones with a golden-brownish colour placed next to her as she was carefully flipping another one on the pan. His father was seated on the table a glass of orange juice placed right in front of him as he was making casual conversation with his wife. Normally he would think that the sight was lovely but something about it was off today. The mood seemed oddly different from what it should have been. Their bodies were tense which was not a good sign. The only thing that he could do now was to wait for the upcoming disaster.

_And the storm was nearer than he could have ever imagined_

_\---_

"What do you mean you can't remember when you ate last?" the tone of his mothers voice was getting sharper with every word, as if every little thing she said made her angrier. The boy was now standing right in front of her his mood inevitably shifted, his chest starting to burn, words ready to escape his mouth any moment now.

_Words that he knew were going to hurt the both of them_

What started a as a normal conversation of him saying he wasn't hungry at the moment but asking her to leave him a pancake for later was now turning into a full on argument.

"Sander you are not doing what I think you are, right?"

And this was what scared him most. Her bringing up his past and saying all this like it was so easy for her, words slipping out of her tongue like she was spilling facts, not realizing the power of her words.

"And what exactly is that?" the boy said for the first time since the argument started.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about." the woman said still loudly screaming in his face.

"No, I really don't know, mother. At least if you start something you can bother to finish it. Say it." the boy was not thinking it through and somewhere deeper he knew he would be sorry in the end but this was forgotten at the moment, only thing he could focus on was his growing anger at the elder woman in front of him, his chest starting to ache from the frustration.

"I'm not repeating your mistakes out loud, son. You know far too well what you have done."

_Mistakes_

_Mistake_

_That was him_

He knew that this was how they saw him.

"You can't just continue messing up your life like this, it's not fair for you and you know it." his mother continued but the boy stopped listening when he heard her words.

_Messed up_

_Not fair_

_Couldn't be fixed_

"You know what isn't fair, mother. Being like this isn't fair. Having to fight for myself isn't fair. Losing friends isn't fair. And you know what else is not fair. Having nobody that can fully understand and support me." the tears were dangerously close to fall as if one more word would be enough for hin to start crying so much he could fill rivers with them. His tongue was now pressing at the top of his mouth to keep him from crying.

The woman in front of him stilled clearly understanding the harshness of her words.

"You know we want best for you son" a deeper voice said. His father was now standing up and getting closer to the two of them.

"Sander you know we love you, we just want to take care of you and you are clearly not capable of doing it for yourself so let us help you" the same voice said never changing its tone not too loud but also not too quiet.

But the boys head was now completely elsewhere.

_You can't take care of yourself_

"I can't believe you said this."

And with that the boy was out of the room and soon out of his apartment not even bothering to take his keys on the way out.

_Maybe he won't even need them anymore_

_\---_

As the boy walked through the streets of the city he thought to himself that he never wanted to be invisible more than he did now. The streets were filled with countless amount people and everyone seemed to live in their own bubble getting on with their own lives not even bothering to look at the people and the world around them, too consumed by their thoughts.

But to the boy it seemed that everyone was watching him. _Judging him_. He didn't even had time to look at himself before leaving or even less to change his outfit which was a hoodie and sweatpants. He must have looked terrible. The only thing he could do was to put on his hood as if it was a shield, _a mask_ , that could protect him from the world. The air was cold but his blood was still boiling which kept him warm.

The boy didn't know where he was headed to as he trusted his legs to take him somewhere far away from _them_.

After what seemed like an hour he found himself standing in the middle of a skate park.

There were far too many people for his liking but there was nothing the boy could do at this point. All his energy from moments ago was gone and he felt like he couldn’t move anymore. Like he couldn’t breathe. The ache in his chest was still prominent but it has somehow turned into something new. Something worse.

_Like he was just as empty inside as his head felt_

He placed himself on the bench nearby trying to catch his breath. What was he going to do now. Or how was he going to do it. It felt like these were his last moments on this earth. It didn’t matter to him that he had no energy to move up or even less to stand up. He was almost sure that soon he would bring all the energy and courage back in his body for one last time.

_One last breath_

He doesn’t know what exactly was the thing that made him look up. Maybe it was the breeze. Maybe the way his bidy suddenly needed to just distract itself. Maybe it was the universe telling him something.

Or maybe it was that laugh. That oh so sweet laugh that made his insides melt even though he didn’t know who it belonged too.

Maybe that’s why he looked up in the first place. To find it.

_How could someone have a laugh this angelic?_

_Was he dead yet?_

_Was it angels that he was hearing?_

And when his eyes shifted from the ground and landed on the person his breath hitched.

This was better than angels.

_Better than everything he had seen in his life_

Maybe it was the soft curls that gave it away.Or the brown jacket. He wasn’t sure. He knew only one thing at this moment.

_It was **him**_

**_The angelic boy_** from that night. **_The same boy_** whose picture he looked at every morning and every night. **_The same boy_** that saved his life once.

And this was **_his_** second time saving him without knowing.

He couldn’t get his eyes off **_him_**. With every passing second **_the boy_** in front of him looked more and more angelic. It didn’t matter that he saw **_him_** from distance. It didn’t matter that **_the boy_** wasn’t here alone. All that matter was that **_he_** was here in front of him.

_As if life kept bringing them together_

As time passed by the boy kept examining **_the creature_** in front of him. **_His_** curls looked even more soft in the day light. **_His_** smile was big and bright and everytime **_he_** lauged **_his_** eyes were getting smaller, the crinkles by them getting more visible. **_His_** figure looked too small in the baggy clothes **_he_** wore.

He couldn’t quite make out the colour of **_his_** eyes but he knew they were shining. He wished he could see them from close and fall for them, just like he did for the rest of **_him_**.

**_The angel_** was still laughing and a sudden flush of jealously crept up his neck and into his face.

There was somebody that was making **_the boy_** smile and laugh like that.

This realization made his blood boil even though it shouldn’t have.

The people who were surrounding **_the angel_** were probably **_his_** friends. So it was more than understandable that their mood was high and their laughs were loud.

_But he couldn’t help it_

Feelings were overflowing inside of him.

Jealousy of the others making **_this boy_** happy. Sadness because he would probably never have what they do. Happynes because he saw **_him_** again.

It was a roller-coaster of emotions and he couldn’t get out of his mind.

But his eyes never left **_the boy_**.

He looked at him for what seemed like hours until they got up and left the park.

And even after that he stood on the same bench, his head still empty.

And in front of his eyes was just the image of **_the boy_**.

**_The angel_ **

\---

It was dark outside when he finally gained his strength to stand up from his place. He couldn’t go anywhere else and as much as he wanted to just ask his old friends for a favour he knew he couldn’t. He didn’t want to explain himself to anyone else. He didn’t want to deal with other people.

So he did the only thing he could think of.

He was currently in front of his apartment gaining the strength to knock knowing damn well that his parents weren’t asleep yet.

His eyes caught something that was attached to the front door. _A note_.

“The key is under the rug”

And it really was.

He unlocked the door not caring how loud it was or what he did as if his body was moving on itself. The light in the living room was on hinting that his parents were there waiting for him. He didn’t want to see them.

He couldn’t do this again. He was far too exhausted to even try.

A sudden movement could be heard from the living room but he was faster.

“Sander-“

This was the last thing he heard his mother say as he shut the door of his room in her face and locked it.

He didn’t hear from them anymore the same night.

Another sleepless night filled with thoughts.

Another night thinking about **_the angel_**.

And in the morning they were gone leaving only a note behind.

“Call us when you feel ready”

He wasn’t sure he could ever be.


	3. Ever since I met you, you've made my head spin

Everyone has a first time for everything. First breath. First step when you are a baby. First word. First time you start to acknowledge that you are living. First time you ride a bike. First friend. Our lives are built around all those first experiences, that never seem to end. Everyone is so focused on them and if you ask the person right next to you to tell you about his first time doing something they could start talking for hours, never getting bored of the one sided conversation they are so effortlessly making. Because that's just how humans are built.

But if you ask the boy about the same thing he would struggle. He would struggle not because he can't put up his first experience in words, no. He wished that was the only problem. The issue here was that he didn't remember it exactly. Or maybe it was his brain that shut down everytime he tried to remember something for more than a minute. Maybe it was in the way his memories seemed like a black pit, his head starting to hurt every now and then while thinking about the past. It's not like memories rushed through his mind that made him that anxious. On the contrary it was the lack of them.

Sometimes his mind drifted to the past and made him try to remember the first time it happened. The first time he started to feel like this. The first time his emotions felt like they were all over the place. The first time he was filled with excitement without a reason his leg starting to bounce and not being able to stay in the same place jumping around not caring about the world around him. Or the first time the sadness overtook him and made it seem like there is no way out. The first time he shut down completely and the people around him noticed it, some of them trying to help wanting to make his mood better, while others didn't care enough for him. Or when he finally acknowledged the emptiness inside of him. _The first time he knew he wasn't normal_. But just like every other time he couldn't. Maybe it was just in his head. Maybe if he wanted to do it enough, he could. He didn't know.

_Just like he never knew anything_

It could have been in the way he closed himself inside of his closet to cry in seventh grade on New Year’s Eve just mere minutes before the clock hit 00:00. It may have been in the way he promised himself he wouldn't cry that much but couldn't hold back for more than a week, tears streaming down his face for no reason whatsoever.

It could have been in the way he wanted to engrave something in his mind because of how much he wanted to remember it but in the end, he knew. He knew that he couldn't. He knew that someday he would eventually forget it.

That's why the first times weren't that interesting to the boy but rather the last times. You can have your first time every moment now and know about it. But last times on the other hand were more mysterious and that was what aroused the boys curiosity even more. He could be walking down the street and not know it was his last time doing it. Or he could just check the time on his phone and it could be the last time he saw the 01:32 that was written on it. Thinking about that was way to interesting than just driving himself mad at the thought of not being able to remember something.

_Live in the moment_

That's what people told him.

_So he did_

That's what mattered to him. The emotions that he felt at the moment. The thoughts that ran through his mind. And even though it may have not been the best piece of advice he could have taken it was the only he could wrap his head around.

_People just seemed to not know how much can change in one moment_

\---

The night went through just as fast as the others, the thoughts devouring the boy not letting him sleep again. He had lost count of the nights like this. Where he just wished he could stop existing. Where sleeping couldn't save him from his pain too just because it couldn't stop his thoughts that somehow turned into a nightmare that he was scared he eventually wouldn't be able to wake up from. That even if he woke up, he would still find himself in the ultimate nightmare called life. His body shaking from the images that passed through his eyes mere moments ago as if that would change anything.

_As if the shaking would stop his thoughts_

_His pain_

He knew that eventually it would all have its consequences. He knew that after not eating a proper meal in weeks or not sleeping more than two to three hours a day he wouldn't need much time for his body to get on complete overdrive. For it to shut down. And he was waiting for this moment.

_Maybe it could be the moment he awaited for his whole life_

As the morning hours came by, the boy felt like he wouldn't be able to get out of his bed. The shining of the sun far too bright for his liking. He wanted to just shoot the sun so it could never shine again, darkness taking over the world. _Just like the one inside him_. But he knew he couldn't, no matter how much he wanted to.

It was a quiet Wednesday morning and the boy was glad about that. He couldn't bare the noise right now as it would make his mood even worse than it already was. _As if it was even possible_.

His gaze shifted to the nightstand. The picture of **_the angelic creature_** still there. Still looking as breathtaking as ever.

The boy took the photo in his hands shifting a bit upwards on his bed in a sitting position. He knew every detail far too well at this point. So well that he could draw the picture in front of him with his eyes closed.

"Another day, same broken me" he spoke to the photograph for the millionth time now. As if one more word would make **_the boy_** on it talk back. But that wasn't why he started talking to it in the first place. He didn't want a response, no. He wanted something more. _Comfort_. And talking to the picture helped him get what he wanted.

In the beginning he thought about taking the picture with him everywhere because he knew it was the only thing that can help him even if it was just a little bit. But in the end he decided that he shouldn't. He wasn't ready to share his discovery with the rest of the people around him. He wasn't ready for people to see the picture and to ask him who the person on it was. So that's why he decided to just keep it on his nightstand where it would always be safe. In his own room.

_Where no one can see and judge him_

Although it has been only two days since the week started, a third day right in front of him, it has been a living hell for him.

Focusing on everything that he wasn't supposed to the previous week and the fight with his parents was the reason why he forgot about the assignment he should have prepared till Monday at the start of this week.

But he didn't.

_So he failed_

Just like he thinks he will fail the art history exam they had on Tuesday. Which of course he didn't know about either. But he still had hope.

_Hope_

It seemed weird to him. He didn't usually believe in this as it would always be the same for him anyways. But he knew the outcome of all this.

_So the best he could do was to hope_

As the alarm on his phone started buzzing the boy finally got out of his trance in order to close it. He wanted his thoughts to leave him just like that fast and easy but that wasn't the case.

_That was never the case_

The heavy feeling of not wanting to move was still prominent and if he gave into it he probably would never move in his life ever again and freeze there, turning into a stone statue. He wondered what it would be like if that was possible. How life would be easier if he was a statue.

He looked at the picture for one last time before placing it on the nightstand where it belonged.

It took all of his effort and energy to just move a bit from his bed and get out of it but eventually he did.

_Just like every other morning_

As he got ready for the day he went to check the stuff in his kitchen to see if he could finally eat something because the dizzy feeling inside of him was a bad thing considering the fact that the following days were important. He couldn't afford just passing out in the middle of the lecture because he was sure that they would eventually call his parents and explain everything and that was certainly not what he wanted. So his best choice was to eat even if he didn't want to.

As always, luck was not on his side, the cupboards in the kitchen empty just as his fridge where the only things he could find were three oranges and two eggs. He hadn't even acknowledged that he didn't have food at his house.

_Maybe they were right_

_Maybe he could take care of himself_

_Maybe he needed them after all_

The thoughts were running through his head again, never leaving his head fully.

The only thing he could do at the moment was to choose to try and hold on for a little longer. _Where was the reason? Why would he even choose to stay? To live. To be_. He could just end it all now. End it and never look back.

_Never hurt again_

His thoughts were cut off for the second time this morning by his alarm. Why did he even feel the need to set several alarms.

_Its not like he slept anyways_

He looked at the almost empty fridge again deciding to just eat the orange now and to go shop for proper food after his work at the uni ended for the day. He could make it.

_He wasn't hungry whatsoever_

\--

The day passed slowly as if the universe was trying to torture him, make him count every second of every minute.

His lectures were hard as always but the boy couldn't pay much attention, his mind drifting off in the middle of every sentence he heard, making him feel excluded from the outside world. He was out of it. As if he was levitating. His feet never able to touch the ground.

_He didn't belong here_

He was in his last lecture for the day, his mind was completely elsewhere. It felt like he was in space floating around, not caring about not having enough oxygen but rather just waiting to turn into dust and mix with everything else there.

_It would have been a dream_

When he finally got out of those images in his head and looked around he saw that he was completely alone in the room. He must have stood there for too long too focused in his inner world.

_It's not like it was the first time either_

The boy just took all the energy that had left in his body, which was actually almost non-existent, and started gathering his stuff.

He got out of the building the fresh air and cold breeze hitting his face making it flush red because of the temperature outside. He stood next to the building for a bit examining the people around him. Everyone seemed exhausted from the day, students leaving the building rather quickly as if they were all in a hurry trying to get somewhere more important. A group of people were having a loud conversation next to him. As he looked at them jealousy spread through his veins. _He used to have that too_. Those excited conversations about everything and anything at the same time. The laughter of the group that filled the streets was far too familiar for him.

_The wound was far too fresh_

So he just started walking. Wanting, needing to get as far as possible.

Because if he stayed a bit more he was scared that his past would run to him again. It would find him.

_Tear him apart_

He tried to keep himself busy not wanting to think about it anymore. So he just started counting the paving stones on the street in order to distract himself.

_One_

_Two_

_Three_

The boy stopped with the realization that he was forgettin something his head turning around as if someone there would be holding a sign up that can tell him whatit was. It seemed a bit funny thinking about it. But the universe proved itself to be the biggest joker of all because just before him stood a big sign of a supermarket.

_He needed to get groceries_

_That's what he was forgetting_

The boy got inside of the store the electric doors opening and closing maybe for the thousand time today. It was always so interesting to him to think about how humans, those pathetic and close minded creatures, could come up with such great ideas and inventions.

_It just seemed unreal_

As he was walking around trying to think about what he could get so he had enough food to keep him satisfied and put energy on his body but at the same time something that didn't actually need so much work he saw the instant noodles that were placed on the shelf in front of him.

He used to love cooking, helping his mother around the kitchen when she finally had time to cook a proper meal sometimes when work wasn't as draining as the other days. It was nice for him and it made him feel closer to her somehow. In the end it was the only time he had to spend quality time with her.

And now his life was a mess. His eating was a mess. His sleep was almost non-existent.

_What a turn of events_

The boy didn't realize he was staring at the noodles too focused when something got him out of his head for the third time today. Or rather someone.

"The chicken flavoured ones are the best if you ask me"

The voice that said that was one of the best things he had heard in his whole life. There was nothing that he could compare it to. Words would probably never be enough to describe how beautiful it sounded. How **_angelic_**. How sweet. Like music but somehow more magical.

He turned his head to the side in order to see who it belonged to and his gaze met two brown eyes. Two eyes like hot chocolate that could burn down your throat if you drank it too fast. And maybe that was the reason. He looked too fast and he was burned by them. Mazbe that was what made his head dizzy. His world starting to turn.

_Those two brown eyes that were the last thing the boy saw before the world around him turned into a black pit_

_\---_

**_"Hey. Hey are you here with me?"_ **

The boy was sure he was dead now. _Finally._ That it was angels that came down to take his soul and bring him somewhere more safe. _This was the only explanation_.

The voice of the angels was sweet. It felt like it wasn't his first time hearing it. Maybe it was the voice of someone he knew before and they just sounded the way he wanted them to.

The boy tried to open his eyes. The brightness was blinding him.

There was no way he wasn't dead now.

And **_the creature_** in front of him just confirmed it.

But why did his head hurt so much then.

He thought that when he died all the pain would be gone.

His eyes finally started adjusting to the brightness of the world.

He saw those familiar brown eyes from moments ago. Moments that may have been minutes. _Hours. Ages_.

He started looking at **_the creature_** in front of him.

Then it hit him.

**_This was him._ **

**_The angelic boy._ **

He was even more beautiful and perfect from up close.

His eyes were deep. So deep the boy could just fall into them and never come back again. _He didn't want to._ He wanted to stare at them forever.

His eyelashes were long lightly brushing his eyebrows everytime after he blinked.

His nose was little and adorable covered with freckles just as his cheeks. He wanted to brush his finger through his face. To touch and trace his freckles with his finger. To kiss every single one of them. It looked like the stars on the night sky have all moved down to earth to live on **_the angelic boys_** face.

His gaze shifted to his lips. They were pink and plimp. Just perfect to kiss. The need to taste them devoured him. He was sure nothing in the world could compete with their taste.

**_"Are you okay? Can you hear me?"_ **

The lips started moving.

**_The angel boy_** was speaking to him.

His brain tried to focus on **_his_** words.

The buzzing inside was killing him.

He could hear other voices too.

But he didn't want to focus on them.

He only saw and heard **_the boy_** in front of him.

He felt his head being lifted and a bottle being pushed to his lips.

**_“Here drink up”_ **

That’s when he felt the burning in his throat.

He tried to drink up too exhausted to lift up his arms to guide the bottle, trusting the person to just help him instead.

As he gestured with his head that it was enough for him the bottle was placed away from him.

His mind started processing the situation he was in a bit more and he understood that he had probably passed out. His eyes mooved to **_the boy_** in front of him when he realized that he was the one that helped him drink the water. He tried to move quickly as if his skin was burned but his body was too weak to bear the movement and it just gave up on him as he fell back **_the other boys_** hand preventing him from hitting his head.

“Easy” **_the boys_** lips moved again. He may have not died but he was sure that voice was soon going to kill him.

“Can you help me stand up” he mumbled his voice far too weak but his head starting to clear up more as he started hearing him better.

“Yes, wait a second”

**_The boys_** hand gripped at his shoulders and helped him sit upright, not letting go of him as his hand moved to his back to hold him and to prevent him from falling again.

“Are you okay?”

**_He_** asked again.

The boy only nodded with a weak “Yeah just a bit dizzy” getting through his lips.

He looked around and saw that there were other people around him from the staff and a few customers too.

“I think he is okay. I’ll stay with him for a little longer.”

“Okay just yell if something happens again” an elder woman said. She was wearing a uniform and a tag that were showing that she was working here.

“Okay” **_the boy_** said and the people around them started moving getting away from the scene.

The situation was unreal. The boy started thinking about it a blush creeping through his cheeks. He was here in the arms of his dream boy who was so carefully taking care of him even though they were complete strangers to each other.

It felt to him like the two of them were the last people on earth. He didn’t want to move. He didn’t want the boys arms to leave his body. He wanted to stay like this forever. And it seemed like they were there forever.

_But sometimes forever is shorter than we imagine it to be_

“Will you be able to help him stand up. I think he was down there for enough time” another voice said next to him. This time it was a girl’s voice. As his head turned to the side slowly this time to see who the voice belonged to he met a familiar face. He knew this girl.

_Noor_

She was there when he got his tattoo. She was the sister of the tattoo artist.

“Hi, Sander. You scared us”

“I’m sorry it was not my intention at all” he said trying to sound as playfully as possible because he didn’t wand them to pity him. Especially not when he liked the boy in front of him so much.

“Do you want to stand up?” **_the angelic boy_** said again.

His green eyes turned to **_his_** brown ones locking with them for what felt like the thousand time today. _Even a billion times would never be enough to get used to them._

“Yes, please” left his lips as he held onto **_him_** for his dear life and finally stood up although it was a hard task to do especially when his legs felt so weak. Maybe it was because of **_the boy_** in front of him. _Yeah, it definitely was that._

As his hands left his body the boy felt like he was missing a piece of himself.

“You two seem to know each other” **_the angelic boy_** asked the girl.

“Yeah, this is Sander. He goes to the Academy of Arts. We met couple of weeks ago at Mikael’s shop” she said gesturing to him.

“Oh, I see” left **_the angelic boy’s_** mouth as he turned to him again.

“I’m Robbe. Noor’s roommate.” **_The creature_** , _Robbe_ , said.

_How could a name suit a person so much_

“Pleasure to meet you. Sander” he said in return and held his hand to give him a handshake.

The moment their fingers brushed it felt like the world had exploded, electricity running through the boy’s whole body. It felt so different than moments ago. Now they were skin to skin their touch lingering a bit longer than it should have.

Their eyes never leaving the others as if they were having a telepathic conversation.

“Robbe, I think we need to go now, Milan is going to kill us if we are late for dinner one more time.”

Robbe’s eyes left the boys one as he turnded to the girl.

“Yeah, definitely. I can only imagine his expression” He said as he turned to the boy for one last time.

“Bye Sander. Take care of yourself. You don’t want to fall into other strangers arms again. And definitely try the chicken flavoured instant noodles!” he said with a wink. With that they both weaved and were out of his sight far to quickly.

The boy let out a sigh hd didn’t know he was holding.

He had just made a fool out of himself in front of **_the angelic boy_**.

At least he learned his name. _Robbe_. The name that would never leave his head till his last breath.

_Probably even after that_

He grabbed five boxes of noodles and got himself some fruits and nuts to get some protein in his system.

He payed for his things and got in his apartment as fast as he could. Eating one of the noodle packs to gain his energy back as he got a shower and finaly got in his bed.

The scenario never stopped repeating itself in his head over and over again. Thoughs about what could have happened of he didn’t faint or if he didn’t come into the store in the first place never leaving him in peace.

But maybe for the first time in forever he felt _happy_. Happy that something so bad and so embarrassing can have a good outcome like that.

_Maybe the universe didn’t hate him so much after all._

He slept for six hours that night.

\---

Thursday went by faster than he had expected, the whole day filled with the thoughts about **_the angelic boy_**. **_Robbe_**. He repeated the name over and over in his head.

_He had met Robbe_

_Robbe knew who he was now_

_Robbe had held him in his arms_

_He had touched Robbe’s hand_

_He had looked in his eyes_

The boy was still lost in them. It was like no matter how he tried to mix up the colours nothing would be perfect to get that exact shade of his eyes.

He thought about his soft curls too, how they seemed lighter from closer.

He wished he could have touched them. Even for a second. As if the events weren’t enough for his soul to ascend. He didn’t even know how he was so tranquil about it when it happened because thinking about it now made his insides go weak, his heard twisting in excitement.

_Must have been the aftershock._

\---

When Friday finaly came around the boy was still feeling happy. It was like nothing could make his happiness go away.

_But he was wrong. Again._

As the results from the past exam came he saw that he had failed.

That meant that they already had called his parents.That meant that they were already on their way. As he looked at his phone he saw 3 missed calls from his mother and 1 from his father.

_He couldn’t deal with them now._

_Not when their past argument was so fresh_.

So he simply locked his phone and decided not to go to his apartment for a while. He knew they would be waiting for him there.

Wandering around the streets that day he thought about what he was going to do. He couldn’t just go there. He knew that he was not ready for the conversation they were going to have the words already engraved in his head.

_“I knew you weren’t able to take care of yourself”_

_“We are so disappointed in you son”_

_“We shouldn’t have given you time and space in the first place”_

_“You are so ungrateful. We are doing everything for you while you are doing nothing in return”_

A million ways the conversation could go were replaying in his head but all of them had the same ending.

They would eventually come and live with him. Look after him. _Like he was a fucking baby._

Time passed by as he wandered his legs taking him everywhere and nowhere at the same time. The sky was getting darker while the air was getting colder.

His mind immediately ticked with an idea. Something that he wasn’t going to be proud of in the end.

_But then again when was he proud of himself_

Soon enough he found himself in front of a pub.

One he never went to in his life. too scared that his past will come at him again his thoughts making his head dizzy. But none of that happened. On the contrary he felt so lightheaded. He was so ready to do this.

And maybe it could finaly bring him a sense of relief.

_Just like old times_

As the boy got inside he seated himself on the high stools right next to the bar.

He looked around for a second his eyes mainly landing on older people with beers in their hands probably wanting to relieve their stress from the day or just get together with friends and have a chat.

“Hello, sir. What would you like to drink?” a person probably in his thirties asked him which made the boy turn around so he was now facing him.

“Something strong.” He said, the tone of his voice straight not giving away the anxiousness that was threatening to build in him.

“I don’t exactly see you as a strong drinker” the man in front of him raised his eyebrow.

_A game can only be played by two_

“I can be surprising” the boy said in return his voice sharp.

“Okay, then, strong it is” the guy said before pouring a something with a brownish colour on a little glass in that was placed in front of him.

He took the beverage not caring much about what it was as he drank it in one go while the alcohol burned down his throat. It hurt him but it somehow felt good. _Better than it was before_.

“More please” he heard himself say.

“As you wish” the older man in front of him filled the glass one more time as the boy immediately repeated his actions. The burning was not as strong as the first one but he still liked it. _Enjoyed it even_. His thoughts starting to not bother him as much as they did before.

“More”

“Easy, young man, I think that’s enough for now. That will be 10.” He said making the boy take out his wallet throwing the banknote in front of him.

He wanted more of this, already starting to miss the burning feeling down his throat. He felt as if the alcohol started mixing up with his blood as the world around him started somehow seeming more bearable.

As he looked up he realised that the other man was gone. Maybe he moved to another client. Or maybe he wasn’t real at all.

_Maybe all this was just a dream_

“Hello stranger.” A voice next to him said.

Maybe it was the alcohol in his blood but the voice seemed so beautiful. _So familiar. Just like honey_.

His head turned to the side meeting the most breathtaking pair of eyes. But he had seen those eyes before. _He knew who they belonged to_.

“Nice seeing you here.” **_The same angelic boy_** that never left his mind said.

“I could only return the compliment. Didn’t think I’d meet you here.”

_Or ever_

_After what could have happened tonight_

“Well life could be surprising sometimes”

_Surprising_

Funny how he said exactly the same word to the older man mere moments ago.

“Sure enough”

“So what brings you here. Didn’t think you would be strong enough to drink after I saw you passing out like that before two days. Or maybe that’s what got you fainting in the first place.”

Robbe said and if it was anyone else his blood would start boiling, anger starting to fill his body. But tonight he felt just as confident as **_the boy_** in front of him.

“I should ask you the same. You seem too young to drink yourself”

“You don’t know anything about me”

_Show me then_

_Tell me_

“Fair enough.” He said his eyes not leaving Robbe’s chocolate ones that looked at him curiously. _Playfully even_. The tension unbearable. Something about this seemed interesting to him. _A challenge_. That’s what attracted the boy even more. He wanted to see through him. _To read him._

The two boys didn’t notice the silence between them their eyes never leaving each other trying to win a secret game only between the two of them.

An urge crept through his bones. His courage was stimulated with the help of the alcohol so it didn’t take him much to say the next words out loud.

“This place seems boring. Let’s go.”

And with that he grabbed his backpack and threw it on his shoulder while his other hand grabbed Robbe’s at the same time.

_The night was still young and promissing in front of them so he knew he had to make it count_


	4. A night to remember

When you’re so used to everything in your life being bad it can be hard to believe when good things finally happen. Like you don’t deserve them. Maybe your brain will even tell you that you don’t need them, trying to drown you in endless agony and desperation. Of wanting something you know you can’t have. And will probably never have.

It’s just how the boys brain worked.

So when he found himself in the situation he was in now, he had to take a moment and think about what was happening, his brain needing an extra second to really understand where he was and what he was doing.

The two glasses of alcohol he had downed before were now seated in his body, their effect not completely gone but at the same time not as strong as before. Maybe the fact that he was getting a bit sober now was the reason why he really became aware. Aware of the cold and magical night before him. Aware of the starts that were shining on the night sky, brighter than ever as if they were trying to clear up his path like there was a special occasion tonight, again. _And there really was_.

But what was most shocking for the boy and what took him the longest time to process and understand was the presence of someone next to him.

_Someone special_

**_The angel boy_ **

The two young men were racing down the streets of Antwerp not caring that it was freezing outside while they were still hand in hand, their touch sparking electricity in both of their bodies that was more than enough to keep them warm.

It felt like they had been running for infinity but in reality it couldn’t have been more than an hour. As if time was slowing down specifically for them just because the universe knew that the boy didn’t want the night to ever end. He wanted to run like that hand in hand, forever.

But everything has an end, it’s inevitable.

Just like that the boys stopped running their limbs almost giving up on them as they finally tried to catch the breath they were forgetting about for so long. Their lungs were burning from the sudden movement as if they started breathing for the first time in forever when they were with each other.

Their eyes were constantly meeting and if not, their gaze never left the other for more than a minute.

The boy wondered if this felt just as surreal for Robbe as it did for him. He wondered if he wanted it just as much as him. If he was just as much scared that maybe if he blinked for a second longer everything would be gone.

As they finally got the relief they wanted, they finally started to look around trying to make out where they were.

The boy immediately recognized the familiar place that he had seen way to many times before.

Just in front of them stood the gates of the public pool. They looked big, bigger than them but not bigger than how he felt at this moment. Nothing could ever top what he felt right now.

_He was on top of the world_

There was only so much he could risk. It wasn’t like he was going to see the angelic boy in front of him like this anymore. _No matter how much he wanted to_. He knew that the universe would never allow him to be happy for so long.

The angel knew nothing about how much he had saved him in the past few weeks. He didn’t even realize he had saved him one more time tonight too. And maybe it was better like this. Even though he wanted to tell him. To make him see that he was the only thing that made his thoughts almost disappear. That he was the only thing he could focus on and it helped him when he tried to devour him. To never forget the way his face lit up in the moonlight or how his curls sat more than perfectly on his little head. How he looked like he was drowning in his clothes which made him even more beautiful.

_How was this even possible?_

_How could someone be so perfect?_

_So breathtaking_

“Come with me” he finally said, gaze still on the boy as he started walking to the gates.

“Where are we going to?” the boy said in return a sudden lack of confidence but an increasing curiosity were sensible in his honey-like voice.

“It’s a surprise.”

He soon got his hands on the lock somehow remembering exactly how he could unlock it fast. It did work even if he struggled more than he would if he came here several months ago.

“Sander I don’t think it’s a good idea” the voice next to him said but his head was far to wrapped around the thought to just back off now.

“C’mon. Don’t you want this to be a night you’ll remember.”

The angelic boy didn’t say anything in return but he never left his side following closely beind him as they got up the stairs that led them to the place.

Not a minute later they found themselves in front of a big pool, the lights from the lamps making it illuminate, creating an even more magical sight as if the night could turn even better than it was before.

The sight in front of them was getting more and more captivating with every passing second. But all of this didn’t matter to him. There was only one sight he wanted to look at and to engrave into his mind so that everytime he closed his eyes he could see it. The illuminating pool was making the place glow. The angelic boy was standing right in front of him, his eyes big, shock written on his face as his mouth was slightly opened in disbelief that made him seem even cuter than he already was. He looked like he was speechless. Even though the boy adored his sweet voice and could listen to it for hours, he couldn’t have been more happy that Robbe wasn’t talking right now. Because it would have been too much. His voice and this sight would have been to much for him to handle it.

He felt like he stared at him forever, wanting to take every detail, his gaze not leaving the smaller boy. And he wanted to just stay like this. Maybe it could be the best decision. To stay here devouring the angelic creature in front of him with his eyes.

“Sander, wha-“ he saw the lips moving before his brain could process the sound of Robbe’s voice. Like his head stopped working.

_If it worked well in the first place_

“It’s beautiful isn’t it” he himself said gaze never leaving him and words having a deeper meaning then the other boy could ever make out. Words that were describing the angel more than the sight itself.

“It’s-. Wow”

“Come on now we didn’t come here for nothing, did we?” a sudden rush of confidence crept through him for the thousandth time tonight and he was sure it wasn’t just the alcohol now.

As he started undressing himself throwing his jacket and backpack on the ground Robbe looked at him the confusion in his eyes growing even bigger.

“You aren’t going to jump off, are you? That’s crazy, man!”

“Yeah it’s more than crazy, come on now don’t be so afraid.”

He said as his brain registered the words. _Crazy_. He tried to not focus on it too much, instead focusing on the adrenaline in his veins.

“I’m not afraid!”

As the boy started removing his boots, the smaller brunete started copying him removing the pieces of clothing one by one.

“Yeah. Well then prove it.” a cockiness could be sensed in his voice.

The two of them undressed leaving only their pair of underwear on them, their looks never leaving each other, challenging one another as if their eyes were speaking instead of their mouths.

_How far can you go?_

_How far are you willing to go?_

_Show yourself to me, without any layers_

And it seemed like boldness was Sander’s second name tonight as he finally removed his underwear instantly jumping into the pool, wanting, wishing that Robbe would do the same. That he would go as far as him.

_That he wanted this as much as him_

He could see a little hesitation in the angel boys eyes as he stood there watching him.

“All the way or no way. Come on.”

His brain felt like it was going to explode, his heart racing with a sudden feeling of fear because he just went to far. Pushed the other boy off his limits.

_You scared him off._

_He’s going to hate you._

But when after just two seconds he saw him undress fully finally jumping in the pool it was all enough for his thoughts to go away.

“Fuck it’s freezing cold” the boy had appeared right before him and if he would reach a little, he was sure he could touch him. But he didn’t. Not even if he wanted to.

“Oh come on don’t be such a big baby, it will be okay.”

Saying this made him realize how cold the water actually was. It was as if he was going to turn into an ice cube if he stayed inside just enough. Maybe it was the adrenaline that was making it hard for him to sense it in the first place, his blood boiling. And the sight of the angel boy with wet hair and a golden chain hanging around his exposed neck was enough for him to feel hot all over again.

“I’m not a baby! In fact I can reassure you that i can swim better than you!”

“Yeah, no chance in that. You can’t even hold your breath enough to swim 10 meters!” there was something about challenging Robbe that he liked so much. The tension between them made him feel so powerful. Like he had control over something for the first time. So, why give up on that?

“I bet I can hold my breath longer than you!” the brunete said sounding annoyed but the boy sensed the way his voice gave him away, showing how much he actually enjoyed this.

“Okay then. On three”

“And what does the winner get?”

“Well let’s leave that to the winner.”

“So me then”

“You wish. One, two, three!”

The two boys dived underwater eyes opened to look at each other to see who would give up first. And that was the moment he understood where he was.

_He was underwater_

_Completely naked_

_With the boy he fell for the first moment he saw him_

The confidence he had built up though the whole night left his body right then and there, another feeling devouring him. Suddenly the idea of being underwater got scary to him. _He couldn’t do this._ As much as he wanted to. As much as he wanted to grab Robbe who seemed like he was getting closer to him now. He was sure that his heart was beating so fast in his chest that the water around him started vibrating.

**_He is getting closer to me_ **

And when Robbe’s eyes met his, noses centimeter away, he gave up.

_He wasn’t ready_

So he just swam back to the surface. Feeling breathless. His lungs finally filling with the air that he so desperately needed. Head dizzy as he strarted to cough loudly.

Just at that moment he felt a tap at his back, hand on his shoulder.

_“Hey, hey, Sander. Breathe. I’m here”_

He could hear the words, not exactly being able to make out their meaning.

He lifted his eyes then, meeting those deep brown ones. And in that moment his dream came true. He fell in them. He got lost and was sure that there wouldn’t be a way he could find that piece of him he left in the boys eyes.

Focusing on Robbe helped him get his breathing better as if this was his way escaping the world, like he was a planet evolving around the sun called Robbe. And the feeling that something finally mattered in his life washed over him.

Right before he got the chance to explain himself and to excuse what previously happened something got the two boys out of their haze.

“You two get here right now!”

A deep voice and a loud barking sound could be heard as the two of them started swimming to the edge of the pool, wasting all their energy on getting out gathering their stuff and running away as fast as they could.

It was funny to him. That he felt breathless for the thousandth time tonight. That the night started with them running away, the boy trying to escape his demons and problems and now they were doing it for the second time but this time the reason wasn’t so metaphorical but rather standing behind them.

So that’s how they got here. Near a tree in the park hiding from the night guard. He should have thought this through. But who was he fooling. _It wasn’t like he was ever thinking anything though_.

After a couple of minutes when the danger seemed to have gone away the two boys looked at each other immediately starting to laugh at what just happened. Tonight was definitely full of so many different emotions.

And the sound of the angelic creature’s laugh was almost enough for him to forget everything.

_Almost_

Starting to finally dress before they could freeze because of the fact that it was a cold October night and they were wet from head to toes, the two boys never muttered a word. But that didn’t stop them from stealing glances from each other. For a split second the boys eyes landed on something on Robbes chest that looked awful much like a tattoo but he didn’t have enough time to examine it as the brunette put on his shirt as fast as he can.

When they were both dressed, clothes sticking on them a little and the cold wind blowing their faces he turned to him a small smile on his face but eyes full of sadness because he was aware the night was going to be over soon, he sensed a comfort in the other boys eyes.

They stared at each other for a bit taking in the sight as much as they can when he felt a warm hand against his own. _How could he be so warm when it was so freezing cold outside._

“Come on the sun is going to rise soon and I know just the spot” Robbes voice that reminded him of the sweetest honey every time he spoke was the only thing he could hear in the night. And it was all he needed to hear for the rest of his life.

And they walked again, hand in hand, clothes starting to dry off, big grins placed on their faces as they arrived at the so called place, sitting on the only bench there. The place was beautiful. The bench was placed under a big tree, the sight showing them the Scheldt and it was harder to get here than someone could imagine. They were alone, again.

He was starting to get used to that. Wanting them to be the last two people on the earth. And right now as the sky was still dark, stars still shining bright, it felt like they were.

“Do you come here often?” the blonde said, finally breaking the comforting silence that befell between them.

“Yes. I’ve never actually brought here anyone else before.” The chocolate eyes of the brunette were now turned to him, not exactly looking him in the eyes but still not leaving the boys face. The artist felt a sudden feeling of hotness spread through his spine at the confession.

“Not even your friends? Your girlfriend?”

The word burned his tongue but he needed to be sure. Needed to know the possibility.

“No and no. I was serious when I said that I haven’t brought anyone. And I don’t have one. Girls aren’t exactly my type”

The words of the boy in front of him made his heart beat faster again. He still had one more question to ask.

“A boyfriend then?”

“Well didn’t have the luck at that. Not when I was stood up tonight.”

His heart started beating like it was going to escape from his chest and jump off soon. That’s why he was at the bar.

The universe was playing games on him again. But this time he wasn’t complaining about it.

“Well they don’t know what they are missing. Sorry about that, though”

“No, it’s okay. The night was better than I could have ever imagined”

At that brown eyes finally met green ones, locking together as all their walls crashed, both of them exposing their hearts for the second time tonight.

“I’m really sorry about what happened at the pool I-“

The boy started before he was cut off by the angel.

“Don’t worry, please, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. If you want to talk about it I’m here”

He let out a little sigh at those words and he felt the pace of his heart getting slower with every minute.

“I guess I just swallowed a bit water”

He tried to brush it off, not ready to tell the truth just yet as his eyes left Robbe’s ones turning to look at the sight in front of him instead. And that ached a little. Because there was nothing he wanted to look at as much as him but he couldn’t right now, too scared that his eyes would give him away.

“Oh, that’s awful, sorry. I’m glad you are okay now. You still owe me my price since I’m the winner”

The teasing in his voice and the little chuckle the brunette let out were enough to make his thoughts go away for a bit focusing on the moment and that he was here with him.

Even though the other boy didn’t know how much this all helped him.

“And what would that price be?”

He returned his gaze to him, his voice filled with the same cockiness.

“Well. I’m going to have to think about this”

The brunette brought his hand to his chin, his face making a thinking expression as he looked focused on something in his mind. The whole situation looked so funny to the boy as he let out a little laugh the angel following him right away with a chuckle of his own.

“Look it’s starting!”

Robbe suddenly said, eyes getting bigger as he looked in front of them.

The sun was starting to rise slowly exposing a mix of its colours on the sky that was still visible even though the clouds that were placed everywhere on it like fluffy cottons balls.

But to him this didn’t matter at all. What mattered were the curly locks of the brunette that were touched by the delicate sunshine making them glow in a beautiful way. How the light was glowing in his eyes making them look almost like honey. It was like he was made from honey. His eyes, his hair, his voice, maybe even his taste. There was nothing more the boy wished than getting to taste his lips right now. And if he got the opportunity at any other time he would lean in, let the feeling overtake him. But right now he felt exhausted as the only thing he could do was to just sit and observe.

The most interesting thing about this angelic creature was that no matter how many times he looked at him, how many times he tried to remember every detail there was something different in him with the passing of every second. It was like if the light hit him at one angle in one moment and other in the second, he looked different. But that is what what made him so unique.

_He looked like every artists dream_

“You are not looking at the sight”

The boys words got him out of his mind as he felt like he was a little boy and spmeone had caught him stealing a cookie from the jar in the kitchen. Only thing he could do was to play it cool.

“Oh, trust me, I am”

At that moment a blush crept through the angels face which made him look even better against the sunlight.

_How was he even real?_

A few minutes passed and the sunrise was finally over when the brunette turned completely to him and looked at his eyes again.

Just then a phone started buzzing somewhere and as he was the one to turn his off, it couldn’t be that.

“I think it’s for you”

Robbe got his phone from his pocket and the screen lit up immediately. He turned his head away to give the shorter boy some private space. There was something about all of this that felt off to him but he erased the thought, not wanting to change the atmosphere. He felt something shifting and when he turned his head to that direction he saw the angelic boy standing right next to the bench, hands fidgeting nervously . Something in his eyes and expression had changed.

The boy still tried then, wanting to have this just for a little bit more.

“So about that price. How about you give me your number and we can arrange things”

“We can do that, but it won’t leave much to the imagination, will it. I may want to use my price in the future.”

Even though he looked nervous, his voice didn’t change from that teasing tone he had before.

So it was the end. He didn’t want to talk to him ever again or to see him. He knew he messed it up, _just like he always did_.

_He scared him away_

“But how will you do that when you don’t have a way to reach me?”

“I love to be surprised”

Their eyes were never leaving the others but although they had done this so many times before right now it felt like the universe was against him. Like the Robbe that stood here now wasn’t the same as Robbe from tonight.

“I had great time tonight, thank you. Sorry that I have to leave. Goodnight stranger! Or should I say good morning”

He then turned and started walking away. The boy wanted to get up. To run and reach him. But he couldn’t. His body felt too heavy, thoughts starting to run in his head one by one as the feeling overtook him.

_He got away_

_He left him_

The boy stayed there long after that looking in front of him, gaze never focusing on anything.

But he never came back

\---

When he finally returned to his apartment the darkness had already spread thought the skies long ago. He felt so exhausted he didn’t even know how he had the energy to get up and walk in the first place.

At least he had his headphones with him which made the walk a bit more bearable. But even music couldn’t help him now as his mind wasn’t paying attention neither to the lyrics nor to the melody.

Music used to get him away from his thoughts, being the only safe place where he could focus on something else, where his thoughts could be silenced by the songs which he played at the loudest setting just because it wasn’t working otherwise for him. And sometimes it really worked. Sometimes he really got away instead focusing on the lyrics replaying the songs over and over again not only because he liked them but because that was the way he got away. _He ran from himself_. He found this little trick not so long ago but looking back it felt like it has already been ages since then. _Everything was so different back then_.

That’s how he found his love for Bowie. That was the first thing in his life that he fell in love with at the first moment. His music, his lyrics, they gave him everything he needed at that time. They were the only thing keeping him sane after **_that night_**.

So he invested all of his time to listen to him, to learn more about him and the man was a genius. Soon after he became his idol.

And even though his music was always the thing that made his thoughts go away even for a bit, that could cheer him up or ground him, tonight that wasn’t the case.

Because tonight was one of the other times. The times even music didn’t work.

So he just walked, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time feeling like he could collapse into the ground any second now.

But he eventually got there.

He stood there for a bit, a sense of dejavu in his heart.

He took out his keys and opened the door that was already locked.

**_Fuck, his parents_ **

The second the door opened his mother rushed to it but he didn’t see her. He didn’t have the energy to lift his head up eyes focused on the floor.

A mumbling sound could be heared in the background, headphones still in his ears, music still playing in them.

He felt a hand at his shoulder slightly shaking him. And if he had enough energy he would look up. He would dare to look his mother in the eyes even though he didn’t know what he would say to her.

_But tonight he didn’t_

Maybe it was because of the restless night and events before or maybe the fact that his insomnia was getting out of hand at this point. It felt like he had a rock in his heart, his body heavy and head starting to get dizzy.

So he did what sounded best for him.

_He let go_

The world went black around him

\---

When he woke up again the first thing he noticed was the beating in his head. As his eyes were still closed he reached to rub it for a bit, trying to relieve the tension.

The second thing he knew was that heavy feeling inside of him. He tried to focus, tried to remember. To remember who he was, where he was. How did he get here? What was even here? He didn’t move as he stayed there, eyes still closed, thoughts running through his head, feeling as if he was standing on a rope balancing between the reality and emptiness asking himself the same question over and over again.

_Is this real?_

_Am I real?_

The third thing was the voice in his head that whispered his name over and over again.

**_Sander_ **

And finally there were the memories in his head reminding him about what had happened in the previous day.

_Was it all a dream?_

When he finally opened his eyes he saw that he was in the comfort of his own bed in his room. The curtains were opened but the sky was so grey and dark that there was so little light in the room so it was okay for him. It looked like the world felt just as dark as him today and the sky seemed to describe exactly how he was feeling inside.

He layed there for a bit trying to adjust to the feeling of being awake, a heaviness in his body, thoughts about what happened replaying over and over in his head.

Soon enough but sooner than he had wanted it to, the door to his room was opened slowly, his mother behind it, trying to see if he was awake or not.

He sighed looking defeated, not wanting to speak with anyone at the moment but still wanting all this to be over and for her to leave him alone.

“Just come in”

He said, tone blank and voice raspy, looking at the ceiling.

A few seconds after that he felt a weight shifting right beside him on the bed and a warm hand being placed on top of his.

He didn’t dare look her in the eyes.

When he heard the quiet sobs that escaped his mother’s mouth his heart ached a little. _He hurt her._ He was hurting everyone around him.

_Toxic_

The boy kept looking up not having neither the courage nor the energy to meet her eyes.

After a while the sobs were quieted as her hand started caressing his own.

They stayed like this. Silent. He didn’t dare speak, feeling too small as the world was ready to consume him any moment he opened his mouth but neither did his mother. Maybe she was finally understanding that he needed space. That he needed to be the first one to speak. To tell her it’s okay.

_But it wasn’t okay_

After a while she stood up and got out of the room.

The boy fell asleep again, darkness consuming him.

\---

When he woke up for the second time there were bird chirping noises outside.

_Wasn’t it too late for that?_

Opening his eyes, heavy feeling still not leaving his chest he turned to the side checking if his phone was there. And there it was next to the picture of the angelic boy on his nightstand. He felt a squeeze in his heart.

Opening his phone to look at the time his eyes widened.

**_6:37_ **

**_Monday, 27 October_ **

The sudden realization that he had slept for a whole day hit him making the pain in his chest even stronger.

_He needed to breathe. He couldn’t breathe._

Standing up slowly from his bed he got next to his window stumbling and struggling to open it.

The cold breeze hit his face as he closed his eyes while Robbe’s voice played in his head like a cassette tape.

**_Sander_ **

**_Breathe_ **

**_I’m here_ **

He stayed there for a little longer catching his breath and winning himself some more time before he got out of his room, not ready to explain himself.

At 7 he was at his doorstep slowly walking to the kitchen and maybe it was because he was trying to make as little sound as possible or maybe because he was still as tired as he was before

.

When he finally arrived there he saw his parents at the kitchen table, a cup of coffee in both of their hands as they were playing around with the cup more than drinking the coffee itself, his mother’s eyes directed to her hands and his father looking like he had zoned out long ago, gaze directed somewhere far in the distance.

He wanted to turn back and to run to his room but the sound of his steps were louder than he anticipated getting both of them out of their trance.

“Sander, son, come in, sit with us”

His father spoke first, his tone warmer than he thought it would have been considering all that happened.

Slowly he walked there seating himself on one of the chairs across his father waiting for them to start yelling to him, like they did every time.

That didn’t happen this time. On the contrary their eyes were full of care somehow.

**_They have never been like this before_ **

And for a moment he believed it. Believed that they finally started caring about him enough.

“Son, your mother and I talked this through and you know we only want the best for you, right?”

“Yeah”

His voice was still quiet and it turned out more as a whisper.

“We don’t want you to get hurt or to do anything that can be bad for your future”

His mother started speaking now as the only thing he could do was to look at his hands where his fingers were entangled.

“We talked with your professors and they showed understanding when we told them you aren’t on the right head space to go to uni at the moment”

He didn’t know where this conversation was headed but he definitely didn’t like that he had no say in this. That they acted as if he was a toddler and couldn’t decide for himself.

“What your mother is trying to say is we think that it would be best if you got hospitalized for a little while, till you can clear your head and can start seeing how wrong your decisions are”

**_Hospitalized_ **

They didn’t want to deal with him alone so they wantes him to be hospitalized.

_They wanted to send him away_

Tears started running down his checks as memories replayed in his head about the last time when he was there. How much had changed since then but how he was still the same person.

He didn’t dare speak up. He didn’t dare look at them

_He couldn’t_

He was too exhausted at this point to do anything against it

And maybe he could have ran away

_But he didn’t_

_Not this time_

Instead he gave in as his mother gathered his stuff and he took some of his art supplies and his headphones because that were the only two things that could help him against his thoughts when he was there, the loneliness unbearable, thoughts never stopping. Not like they ever were.

_This time it was them who won_

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I'm glad you made it here. This fic was something I needed to get out of my chest so I wrote my feelings down and this is what I got in the end. I hope you liked my work and I'd appreciate if you shared your opinion with me. Thank you for reading, hope you liked this.  
> Love, N  
> Tumblr: @stardustcontrol


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